Can't make this up

On the same day as previous post where I am counting cigarettes to get through the shift, a little while ago a guest calls down and asked if we sold cigarettes!!! Unbelievable!!!

Wishful thinking

It was wishful thinking that I could NOT take an extra pack with me last night. All I've done all night is count out and ration the cigarettes. Right now I have 3 left and it is 5:32am....I've got to get to 7am and that means only smoking 1/2 cigarettes at each "smoking session"...all this talk about cigs and it makes me want one even more.

Oct 14

A little jittery about formally announcing date to anybody...so many failures and stop dates. Oct 14 was my mom's birthday. I was hoping to quit on or before that day. So much harm to my body and all the money spent on silly cigarettes!

the 2 go together!

Didn't bring enough smokes for the shift

I thought before I left home, "Ok I'll make these stretch out...won't bring an extra pack." Well I bummed out a couple smokes early on & tried to stretch them out but it's going on 5:30am and I have only 1 1/2 cigs left. Maybe I can get one from a guest or from Kaycie when she comes down to relieve me...
The news is on, maybe if I plop down and try not to think about cigs I'll make it...

Tightening it's grip

Where there are times the urge is small, it seems here lately it's come like a flood. My triggers are firmly embedded and right now I can't imagine changing the situation....at least without serious withdrawal. I've thought about generic nicotine patches, but I don't want to spend the money if I don't follow through (tightwad).
The breakfast lady on Friday and Saturday is an ex-smoker. She has talked to me about her victory over cigs and has been encouraging me.
It is about 10 after 6 in the morning and I've almost made it to the end of another shift. I think I have about 5-6 cigs left which I know will make it till I get home... :)
I don't remember whether or not I mentioned it or not, but for personal reasons I wanted to quit this year (42). I know my Dad would have wanted me to quit sooner, but hopefully at least I can quit this year.

The Pleasure Factor

If I ever do get a handle on this addiction it will be because I dealt with the pleasure factor. My head knows that most of the pleasure from a cigarette is the chemicals, mainly nicotine, that soar through the bloodstream so quick it makes your head spin (sometimes literally). Next to the physical is the habit of lighting up. How can I even imagine waking up without a cigarette and a cup of coffee? I'm trying right now to picture myself doing anything else in the morning and I can't do it. That is how I have been waking up since the habit became ingrained when I was around 15 years old...about 26 years of smoking. In good times and bad, rich or poor, sickness or health....hey! that sounds familiar! Whatever state of mind or economy I happen to find myself there are the cigarettes along for the ride. I remember a commissioned sales job that I had that really suffered because of smoking. They were sort of "lax" when it came to breaks, especially smokers, I guess because a few of the supervisors smoked. In between a few calls trying to get people to renew their magazines I would feel the urge start and start a little countdown in my head, "O.K. only 3 more calls then I'm going out for a smoke". Sure enough I would push on till I counted it on down but never any further. Sometimes during those smoke-breaks I would monitor my "supply" and make sure I had enough to get through till I got home. There were some tough times while I worked there, where I had to "bum" a few here and there from co-workers. It never has ceased to amaze me the special bond that smokers share when they work together.....almost like people of different races would sit together at a gathering, smokers always find other smokers and there's an instant bond. Speaking of bonding with smokers: looks like Jane's about ready for a smoke so I'll pick it back up later.....If you've been reading closely you'd understand...